Earlier when I said I was a little scared when I was asked to help, it was not because I did not like the camp, but I was afraid of the activities they would be doing because I was afraid I would not be able to do them because of how out of shape and weak I was. I had one experience where I gave everything I had on the first day and I was scared of the pain and suffering I would endure the rest of the week.
Now when I sit here and ponder on why I was scared, I am realizing that what I may go through is nothing compared to what Jesus went through. I feel like I am about to die just by being physical exhausted; complaining the whole way when Jesus is getting beaten and crucified but without one single complaint. Who am I to complain when Jesus was killed for me because of my sins? I always forget what Jesus went through because all I think about is myself. I am guilty of being a selfish sinner, but now I am realizing it with a want to change. What good is complaining anyway? What fulfillment do we get when we are worried about ourselves and no one else?
I grew up learning how to care for others, but sometimes I am too focused on myself to do that. I am ashamed of my actions when it comes to selfishness, but I am just being honest. I was put on this earth to serve others and not myself. I forget that a lot when in the moment. I wonder how I can grow in Christ more so that this would not be such a battle, but I am coming to the conclusion that I am trying to answer my own problems the way I think they should be answered instead of listening to God and hearing what he has to say.
I hope this week I am able to learn more about God and more about myself. I want to allow myself to be quiet and just listen for that still small voice. I know that God is there speaking to me, but now I have to learn how to be quiet and listen.